HUMOR

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!" Prescriptive compliance:
A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!

A man who had died suddenly in his sleep awakened to find himself in heaven. Being disoriented but curious, he began to walk around taking in the wondrous sights. he marveled at the pearly gates, as well as the streets paved with gold. After a while he felt hungry and asked one of the other occupants where he might find something to eat and was directed to the cafeteria. When he arrived he found a line a mile long and took his place at the end. The line was progressing very slowly when a limo pulled up in front and discharged a man with a great beard and carrying two stone tablets who went in ahead of everyone else. The fellow became angry and tapped the person in front of him on the shoulder and asked who is that? The person in front of him replied that it was Moses the bringer of law. This satisfied the fellow for the present. A short while later another limo pulled up and discharged a fellow wearing robes and carrying a staff who also went in ahead of the rest. The fellow again was irritated and asked the person in front of him who that arrival was, and was told that it was St. Jerome a patriarch and very important! This also satisfied the fellow for a short time. After a time a sports car pulled up in front and a man carrying a black bag went in ahead of the rest, which infuriated the poor fellow who asked in exasperation, just who the hell is that? This time the line answered in unison, "Oh, that's God, but he thinks he is a doctor!"

The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc. The CEO says, "This is terrific!" "Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."

Doctor Vs. Mechanic Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
World's Funniest Jokes

The Ranks of a Hospital Surgeon:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God Internist:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved General Practitioner:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Nurse Practitioners
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God Resident:
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals Intern:
Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls Medical Student:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself Nurse:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!

Hospital Cost Cutting Measures
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Adminstration/Groundskeeping
Date: March 23, 2000
Re: New Cost Cutting Measures Effective April 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties. Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated phones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided. As you can see in the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an adminstrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc. Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME_LIFE "How to..." series of maintainence books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at the rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Revco's photolab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Revco's will honor competitor's coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. In addition to the current recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. The antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the HMO's formulary.

A genie gave three physicians one wish each. The first physician said, "I'm already the smartest pediatrician in the world, but I'd like to be 25% smarter."
Poof! The pediatrician became 25% smarter. The second physician said, "I'm already the smartest neurologist in the world, but I'd like to be 50% smarter."
Poof! The genie made the neurologist 50% smarter. The third physician told the genie, "I'm not only the smartest surgeon in the world, but I'm also the smartest person. But, just to be sure, I'd like you to make me 100% smarter."
"This is the third and final wish," the genie said. "If I fulfill your wish, I can't change you back."
"Just make me 100% smarter," the surgeon demanded. "Okay," said the genie. Poof! "You're a nurse practitioner!!"

A Nurse Practitioner was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths."
The woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger!"

How many Psych NPs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Seen on a nurse's bumper sticker: ER RN
Pass me now, see me later! Actual Bloopers Doctors Have Written On Patient's Charts

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.YOU MIGHT BE AN E.R. NURSE IF . . .

You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you..
You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
You have the bladder capacity of five people...
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
You find humor in other people's stupidity...
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-xanax-emia"...
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs or pizza and beer, while performing gastric lavage...
You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...
You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...
You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "Q" word when the ER is even remotely calm...
You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire...
Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...
You believe chocolate is a food group...
You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name...
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ...
You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit...
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer...
You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call...
You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...
Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms...
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right!"..
You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine...
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...
You have ever issued a "dead head" alert...
You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet"...
Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion...
You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
Your most common assessment question is "what changed, --- tonight ,to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "who's in charge of this mess anyway?"...
You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...
You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your coworkers' hearts...
You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a valium fountain...
You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...
You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patient's only hope...
You want lab to order a "dumb s**t profile"...
You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable...
You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...
You believe your patient is demonically possessed...
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there !"...
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...
You have ever had a patient say, ". . .----But, I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; how can I be having a baby?"...
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...
You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...
Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool...
Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank...
Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...
Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack
squirrels in the backyard...
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the
nicest restaurants...
Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...
You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...
Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...
Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent...
You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over
by a portable x-ray machine...
Your nursing shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...
You're able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm...
You've been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate...
Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline ... (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead basted)...
You have every referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies"...
You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal...
You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol®, Advil®, or Excedrin®...

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?" "Well honey ..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done last year. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Are you a Christian or some kind of a religious person?" "No, I don't believe in anything." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Susan just read an advertising email: Lose 13 inches in just hour, permanently!
Sound too good to be true? "I lost 13 inches in just one hour. I couldn't believe my eyes." Ann Marie, NY With our 100% guaranty ... Susan then said, "Boy, I will never live in NY and I am going to buy a big screen TV so that it will be hard for them to steal.

Some Thoughts

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make A person gain five pounds.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resource It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge". And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries. Sincerely,
Directory of Human Resource

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"

At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. "I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer, and then they die of AIDS". "I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die". "That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."

Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ... Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office.

An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be President?"

Patient to eye doctor:
"I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the chances?" Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."

"Tell me, doctor, how much time do I have left to live ?" "Well, it's hard to say, but if I were you, I wouldn't start watching any serials on TV."

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, "My son left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!" THE NEW ABRIDGED MEDICAL DICTIONARY (Source: Edmonton Journal, Friday Aug 4, 1995) BARIUM: What doctors do when patients die.
COLIC: A sheep dog.
D&C: Where Bill Clinton lives.
DILATE: To live longer.
FESTER: Quicker.
HANGNAIL: Coat hook.
IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known.
LABOR PAIN: Get hurt at work.
MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane.
MORBID: A higher offer.
NITRATES: Cheaper than day rates.
NODE: Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: A patient who fainted.
PAP SMEAR: A fatherhood test.
PELVIS: Cousin to Elvis.
RECOVERY ROOM: A place to do upholstery.
RECTUM: Dang near killed 'em.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at your computer.
TUMOR: More than one.
URINE: Opposite of "You're out".

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?' The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his right arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts with his right arm. A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are toughest." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."

Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.

Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.

He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was one of those invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months." A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead.

"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion"

The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.

The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam."

"$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed.

"$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work."

In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"

3 Doctors are at a Convention talking Shop.

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off.

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about." "I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there." When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband's mouth. "Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse." "I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him."

Heard on Jay Leno's monologue: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."

How is an undertaker like a bottle of cough syrup? They both take away the coffin.A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help."Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem.""A gas problem?" replied the doctor."Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?""Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend, that he actually asked you to return all the presents?Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too."

A woman tells her doctor " I want a hysterectomy."The doctor asks " Why Mrs. Koslowski, you're 77 years old?"She tells him " I don't want any grandchildren."

Patient (lifting arm): Doctor, it hurts when I do this.Doctor: Don't do that.

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested."Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy johnny."That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe.""That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can't afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."